After 6 months...

He's been gone for 6 months... he has been living with his mistress for over 4 of those months...

I have asked him and asked him why he hasn't filed for divorce.... and he still gives me a crap excuse... he'll do it when he's ready... when the business is doing better... after _________ (this) happens....

I will say not having sex now for 7 months.. you'd think I'd miss it... but oddly enough I don't. I find this weird... I do miss physical contact with him.. Jim was a big cuddlier... he liked to cuddle on the couch a lot... I miss that. And cuddling in bed... but sex... not so much?! Weird..

I have been reading a book called Sacred Marriage... it was given to me by a lady from church... It was REALLY hard to get started but now it's pretty good... The book is about how marriage is actually a tool to bring you closer to God. This last chapter I read was about sex... which is why I was thinking about it... As much as I like the book and think that it has some powerful truths... I know without a doubt that my relationship with God has grown BECAUSE Jim left... So maybe this was supposed to happen.

I can't believe how long it's been already. Time sure flies! hahaha...

I do know that I have learned A LOT through all this. This new man that walks around calling himself Jim Ewers... is NOT a trust worthy person... He looks miserable and just sad... and every once in awhile I see a glimpse of the man I fell in love with over 7 years ago... for the most part he is NOT that man anymore.... We used to be best friends... shared EVERYTHING... played games together, laughed together, watched TV together, enjoyed sleeping in and staying up late.... but then we started our family... and Jim still wanted to live the life of a single teenage boy... while I grew up... became a mom... and it was then our relationship started changing... He no longer could see me as his wife and friend.. instead I was just Adam's mom... And then I started going to church... at first he came with me... and things were GREAT... but shortly after having another baby... Jim got really depressed... started smoking.. started having feelings for our employee Jen... bought a $7000 motorcycle... as he drifted away.. I started going to church more.. as I got closer to God.. Jim got farther away... eventually he just said he didn't know what he wanted anymore.... which then turned into I don't love you anymore... and then came the lies... He actually showed up to the hospital with Adam in his mistress's van with a hickey on his neck telling me it's a burn... I actually trusted him with our son while I was in the hospital with our 6 month old baby... and he was having an affair.. I actually got to come home to his pubes to clean out of my tub b/c he shaved (with my razor) for his mistress.... all while he tried to lie to me about it. He moved in with her as soon as I got back. And he wonders why I can't trust him anymore.

After all this time I have learned a lot... One of these lessons I want to share with you now.

Infatuation can be an intoxicating drug that temporarily covers up any number of inner weaknesses. But marriage is a spotlight showing us that our search for another human being to "complete" us is misguided. When disillusionment breaks through, we have one of two choices: Dump our spouse and become infatuation with somebody new, or seek to understand the message behind the disillusionment- that we should seek our significance, meaning, and purpose in our Creator rather than in another human being.

Basically what I learned that Jim was looking at me to complete him in a way that only God can... and until he realizes that He is who he needs... he will continue dumping family after family after family... Because we are simply human.. and cannot fill God's shoes.

I certainly have learned enough to know what NOT to do next time... who NOT to marry next time....

I still hold onto a thread of possibility that God CAN bring Jim home... but I don't know if He will.

But I have learned that I don't NEED Jim. I have all I need... I have God. I have my kids.