Family

I seriously want to cry just thinking about writing this post.

My son, Adam, he's 2.5 years old. And even at his very young age knows that something is wrong with his family. When he draws his family it's mommy, daddy, Adam and Jonathan. And he has this silly princess camera that has a picture of Cinderella and the Prince dancing on it and he says it's Mommy and Daddy.

It seriously breaks my heart that I couldn't give him that. I couldn't provide him with a stable home with 2 parents. I tried. I know that I did. Since Jim's been gone I have read many books on having a Christian marriage and I certainly was missing things. Things that I could have done better. One was reverence. I certainly didn't do that for Jim. I also didn't look at my marriage as the closest relationship that should reflect Christ. A marriage is the closest thing on earth that should look like our relationship with God. And actually the Bible says we are His bride.

But there isn't anything at this point that I can do to change the situation. Jim doesn't want to be an every day dad. He told me before we were even engaged that he thought Dylan was enough. He didn't want any more kids. And I told him that if that were true than there was no point in us having a relationship because I wanted children. And not just every other weekend. That wasn't enough for me. I am a very natural mom. That maternal instinct has been on in me since I was a toddler (according to my mom). He of course changed his tune because he didn't want to lose me. His opinion obviously changed. 19 days after Adam was born Jim asked me for a divorce. And then 3 months after our 2nd son was born he left. And this time he left and moved in with another woman. Telling me he didn't love me anymore. Which is probably true to a degree. He still loves who we were before we had kids. He just didn't love life as being parents.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we had a girl, because he wanted a girl so bad. But really I don't think it would have been. Jim lives his life to serve himself first. His own happiness is what is his number one priority. It always has been. Even from the beginning of our relationship. And once my focus was off him and onto our children, he didn't like how I changed. And then as I grew closer to God he didn't like me even more. He says I made him feel guilty all the time.

It just sucks that my 2 amazing little men have to be the ones who get the short end of the stick. I guess the lesson to be learned here is be extra careful who you have children with. And try to look at the whole picture. I should have known what kind of dad Jim was... he already had Dylan. And when he spent time with him, he got frustrated really easily. He just isn't cut out to be a dad. Maybe when his kids are older, and teenagers he can have more of a friendship with his kids and then have a relationship with them. I just hope that God will provide us with a God fearing man who will love my boys as his own and help me raise them to be godly men. But if He doesn't then I know that HE is enough. And we will be totally fulfilled in a way that only God can do.